DISEASED

I had a disease
I never even knew about it
It has been growing
Inside of me
For years
I don’t know when it started
I don’t know when it will end
But i finally realized the other day
It’s a feeling that nothing will ever be right
Nothing will ever be okay
Because you lost something
(Maybe it wasn’t yours to lose in the first place)
A feeling of despair
So strong
You tell yourself what happened was just a dream
You can’t accept this reality
So you ascribe to it a different meaning
Even though it’s obvious
You keep trying so hard
To hold the door open
Even when everything else is yanking it closed
That is what I’ve been going through
That is the battle I’m fighting
That is what it’s like to be depressed

Amanda

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BROKE

It finally happened:
She broke.
It was different than she thought it would be.
She had thought
It would be like
Uncontrollable bouts of crying;
Waves of restricted breathing;
A feeling of falling down an empty hole.

But it wasn’t.
It was more like
Denial.
Even though it was
Plainer than day,
It was different than before.
She didn’t throw everything out
That reminded her of the person–
She couldn’t.
How could she destroy
The memory of the soul
Who changed her life?

No.
On second thought,
I don’t think she broke.
I think . . .
I think a part of her died.

WATERPROOF

Is says on the packaging

That my mascara is

“Waterproof.”

But it isn’t.

As I cry

My tears scrape up the

Black ash

And smear it beneath my eyes,

Publicly displaying

My dismal position.

 

Waterproof.

 

Yeah right.

 

A lot of things aren’t waterproof.

Some things dissolve in water,

Gone in a second.

But we need water to survive.

Me?

I’m waterproof.

But what I’m not is

 

Lifeproof.

 

I climb to great heights

And then

CRASH.

My packaging didn’t say life proof.

But I wish it had.

‘Cuz it hurts

So bad.

Amanda