IRONY

My mother said the other day that what I want in love

Is something quite ridiculous and not in Heav’n above.

She said that if I list too much the things I want in him

Then fate will slap me in the face, and negate ev’ry dense whim.

I’d like him dark with big black eyes and tan that makes me swoon

And if he had thick eyelashes I’d want to see him soon.

He must be at least six feet tall with burly shoulders too

Be good with kids, not pick his nose, and flirty girls he rue.

His teeth are straight and white and bright as any star above

If all these things he has and more he’s sure to win my love.

But, says my sweet mother dear, fate is a mean old thing.

It’s sure to take all that I want and with a smile wring.

Forget the “dark,” he’ll be so light the sun won’t shine no more.

His light blue eyes and sandy hair will make my poor heart sore.

He’ll probably be a midget, maybe shorter than myself

And then Our child shall, in a word, be called by all an elf.

His shoulders won’t be much to see, his teeth look like a fence

The kind that lies around a home, it doesn’t make no sense.

He’ll hate all kids and make them cringe, he’ll flirt with all my friends

And even when he picks his nose our love will never end.

I might as well eat all I want so I can get real fat

Who needs a man? I have my cake, and one big hairy cat.

Amanda

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ALONE

They were all
Calling to me.
The best kind of
Peer pressure.
I caved in.
The water was cold and thick.
I climbed up the slippery rock.
My friend promised to jump with me.
I looked over the edge;
The water beckoned me
And I wasn’t afraid anymore.
All my friends were there:
Some people more friends than others.
Some people had to have people go with them.
But I went alone.
Everyone told me not to look over the edge but
Somehow
Looking made me want to jump even more.
I walked backwards
Everyone watching.
Then I flung myself off the cliff.
The feeling of falling
Is amazing.
The water glittered
And for three thrilling seconds
I was master of my fate.
I didn’t need him to jump with me;
I didn’t need someone to convince me to jump.
Once I made up my mind, I did it
And nothing could stop me.
Halfway down I changed my mind
Wanted to come back up.
My stomach dropped
But I kept falling.
The water gulped me down.
Bubbles fluttered all around me.
I rose to the surface,
Coughing,
But thrilled.
I’d done it all by myself.
I’d jumped off the cliff.
Alone.

SIMILE

It’s like the sea missing the desert;
The moon kissing the sun;
The priest looking after the heathen.

It’s like my heart pumping ice;
trees shedding blood;
clouds dripping leaves.

Like snow in July;
Flowers in December;
Harvest in March.

It’s like black seeing color;
Guitars singing vision;
Mouths hearing sound.

Like life loving death;
Like water begging for fire;
Like You loving me.

IMPOSSIBLE

Everyone should have a word
That defines them.
Some are giving,
Some are good at everything;
Some are lucky,
Some not so much.
Me?
I want to be
impossible.
To do the impossible,
To love impossible people,
To dream of impossible things.
It’s just me.
I like to reach for the stars
Just out of my reach,
Climb the tree that
Everyone knows is going to fall.
I just want to stand on top
Of the moon,
Smile when I reach the last branch of the tree
And say
Haha–
You thought I couldn’t?
But I did.
But deep down,
I’m terrified.
I’m scared of the impossible.
What if I fail?
What if I never feel the crisp air of outer space,
What if the branch cracks and falls
And those people were right?
I CAN’T.
But I have to remind myself–
I have those desires for a reason.
I live for the greatest purpose of all.
I’m in this position because
someone greater put me there
And I can’t fail.
It’s impossible.
By man’s standards, I may fall.
The laughter of my enemies
May throw salt on my wounds.
But I have to be BRAVE.
I can’t be afraid to FAIL.
I must lace up my combat boots,
Cock my gun,
And stare my goal straight in the eye.
And once I know what it is
I have to run continually and bravely,
Never losing focus or daring to even consider giving up.
Because that is who I am.
That is what I must do.
I am the girl who does the impossible.

Amanda

DISEASED

I had a disease
I never even knew about it
It has been growing
Inside of me
For years
I don’t know when it started
I don’t know when it will end
But i finally realized the other day
It’s a feeling that nothing will ever be right
Nothing will ever be okay
Because you lost something
(Maybe it wasn’t yours to lose in the first place)
A feeling of despair
So strong
You tell yourself what happened was just a dream
You can’t accept this reality
So you ascribe to it a different meaning
Even though it’s obvious
You keep trying so hard
To hold the door open
Even when everything else is yanking it closed
That is what I’ve been going through
That is the battle I’m fighting
That is what it’s like to be depressed

Amanda

OKAY

Things are a-changing;
It’s time to grow up . . .
But what if I don’t want to?
What if I’m not ready?
They’re pushing me out of the nest
Forcing me to spread my wings
I’m crying out, resisting,
And now I’m falling.
My life flashes before my eyes;
It’s short
Because I haven’t lived long enough.
I stretch out my wings;
It stings,
It hurts.
I wish I didn’t have to
But I do.
And before I know it,
I’m flying.
I crash into a few branches,
Hit a few bugs,
But I’ve got the jist of it.
And I have a friend
Who will guide me along
With infallible directions.

So I’m okay–
I’m okay.

BROKE

It finally happened:
She broke.
It was different than she thought it would be.
She had thought
It would be like
Uncontrollable bouts of crying;
Waves of restricted breathing;
A feeling of falling down an empty hole.

But it wasn’t.
It was more like
Denial.
Even though it was
Plainer than day,
It was different than before.
She didn’t throw everything out
That reminded her of the person–
She couldn’t.
How could she destroy
The memory of the soul
Who changed her life?

No.
On second thought,
I don’t think she broke.
I think . . .
I think a part of her died.

DREAMING

I can’t go to sleep,
I won’t sleep a wink,
My mind is all tangled in you.
My mind is abuzz–
All day I was
Basking in your silver stars.
I must get a grip on my future;
Cuz you’re not a part, I am sure.
How could you be, I’m asking me,
When I’m such a dull lonesome bore
But
I’m dreaming tonight
So for once
All is right
And you are finally mine.
When your face is glowing
I know I am showing
My real self and you approve.
I feel like I’m real when I’m ’round you;
That’s not part of dreaming, I know;
Just hold out your hand
And I’ll understand
It’s me you’ve been waiting for.

I’m getting a grip
I let myself slip
When I fell in love with you.
I was doing so well
But then I fell
And everything else tumbled through.
I have to let go, yes I know it;
It’s madness to go on this way.
I just have to hold on ’til
I’m back in God’s will
And maybe the dreams go away.
But
I’m dreaming right now
And everything’s great;
I tingle when you look my way.
I finally know
That these things you show
Are really ‘cuz you feel the same.
I may be misjudging your actions;
I might be avoiding the truth;
But right now I’m sleeping
And not truly weeping
So I’ll keep on going
‘Til morning is showing
And I’ll keep on dying
Cuz I won’t keep trying
And dreams go away
But there still there this day
How long until
Dreams become
Reality?

MINUTE

Driving down the road

My brother says something

Can’t remember what

But I respond back

Rolling my eyes

“It’s just a minute.”

We continue down the road

The stoplight is out

I have to turn left

Oh crud

I look left and right

Cars are all around me

Like sharks surrounding

A shipwrecked boat

Cars leak from the right like

Blood from a wound

It seems it’ll never stop

Then a truck lets the car in front of me go

I’m tired of waiting

So I hit the gas

I speed forward

The truck starts to go

(People are wrong

When bad things happen

They don’t slow down

They speed up)

All I see is the front hood of the truck

I remember my brothers are in the car

I remember I have to be responsible

Have to protect them

Even though I’m scared

Still a little girl at heart

I slam the gas and swerve around

The truck lays on its horn

I barely get by

My heart speeds up

Violently hits against my chest

Like a bird trying to escape a room

I look at my brother

“It’s just a minute.”

That’s all I hear

But that’s not the truth

It’s not just a minute

It’s the difference between

Life and death

Old and young

Me and you.

Amanda

A true story from just yesterday.

WHAT IF

What if –
What if she never woke up
What if he never got better
What if they never saw the sun set
And then-
Her eyes were closed
His body was covered
Their remains were buried
But then –
Her passing brought understanding
His death brought healing
Their demise brought hope

And so –
Old doors were sealed shut
Rotten pipes were gutted out
The walls were painted a new color
Because –
Broken hearts were mended
Streaming tears were stopped
New doors were found

Amanda